Am I the only one who feels this way at times? So much going on in my heart, my walk with God, my ministry to others, my FAILURES where my intentions were to let Christ's love shine through my life.
So much going in and around inside of my mind. Such great ideas, plans, revelations of the work God is doing in my life. Concerns for others, prayers on their behalf, and struggles in how I should play a part in it all. And I get dizzy.
Before I started this post, I already knew where the answers to the questions would lie. Tonight, they lie in not resting and recharging in who God has called me to be. How much can I possibly have to give when I'm not being filled myself. And how do I become filled again when the faster I soak it in, the faster I empty to those around me? Even Christ stepped away to be alone and pray. And even I know that however unintended, my disobedience lies in not doing enough of that I suppose.
Dizzy. I looked up the definition. The first was simple and made it's point loud and clear
Dizzy: FOOLISH, SILLY
The next pair of definition brought words to the answer I know is waiting in my heart.
Dizzy: (a) having a whirling sensation in the head with a tendency to fall. (b) mentally confused
Referring to 'a tendency to fall', I've been reminded that if I don't do as I know I should, there are always consequences. The Lord does not give us commands to punish or confuse us. No, what he demands is out of love, protection, and knowing what's best for our lives even when we are not able.
Tonight I know that I would be foolish and silly to not slow down and find a way to be filled. I know that the dizziness I refer to will lead to a stumble of heart or mind or control....if I don't reach out and touch the hand that's extended to me for balance. Only the Lord can steady my way tonight.
I've prayed, oh how I've prayed. I've come to some painful realizations today, about some of those around me. And even more painful, at my failures to one whom I love so very much. I know that our Lord is faithful and just to forgive. I also know that He will redeem what I hand to Him in repentance.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
Our God is awesome, He is so big, and He has been so faithful to show his presence alive, real, and powerful in my life and this family. Tonight, I can't keep up. Tonight I feel unsteady. And I know the only way to find my balance is to reach out and touch the hand being held out. Do I have the endurance tonight, for just one more prayer, just one more request. A simple plea that He take hold of my heart and steady it, steady me. I don't really know. Do I just lie down and be still? Knowing that He is all, knows all, and has all under control? Or do I continue to wonder, question, and work this out in my utter exhaustion?
Perhaps I should sign off for the night and give the Lord's job back to Him. Will I ever learn to step aside and let Him shine?
Lord please keep me tonight and those I love. You know our needs and my hearts thoughts before they ever come into being. Please Lord, keep me where you would have me, let your grace cover those I love in protection, guidance, and love where my prayers and actions come short tonight. In Jesus' name. AMEN.