Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Can I Really Do This?

I sigh as this post begins.  And then I remember to stop and pray.  A prayer for guidance, a prayer for peace, and a prayer that my inspiration today is of the Lords will and not my own.  And I realize that I can't find the answers without first asking the questions.

There was a seed planted a very long time ago.  I'm watching that seed begin to sprout.  I can clearly see God's patient and kind guidance and encouragement along the way.  And then.....the doubt begins to creep in. 

Can I really do this?

I know the 'right' answers.  I study the Word, I hunger over it, I ponder scripture, and I hide God's words deep in my heart.  I apply His wisdom, His grace, and His love simply in being who He's created me to be.  And I fall short.  I stumble, I fall, I repent, I get up and I try again.  And He continues to shower on me this wisdom, grace, and love.  I know His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  I know He's told me to write.  Then I see pictures of all of these beautiful, inspiring bloggers whose words really, truly make me feel at home in my journey.  Women whose story's are similar to mine, who hunger and thirst for the same things I do.  But they seem so perfect.  I begin to think that they can't yell at their kids, be disappointed by or angry with their husbands.  I know their houses have to be immaculate.  Surely someone serving God on that level can't be as imperfect and fall as short as I!  Perhaps that's nonsense, more lies from the enemy trying to stop me from going to the place God has called me.  So I take another deep breath and come back for my next post.

Can I really do this?

I've been told that where much is given, much is expected in return.  Oh how I know and hold dear to so many truths His word promises.  He is perfect, His promises are true.  Not only will He never leave or forsake me.....but neither will He ever leave or disappoint me.  So when I figured out that the Lord was calling me to a Secret Place, a place where only He and I meet, a place where my heart is poured out in prayer, where I share the true disappointments of myself and those I need to be so much more around me......I'm left to ask the next question.

Is it okay to keep this secret?

I know I'm supposed to let my light shine.  I believe I set His love on a grand candlestick for all to see.  I'm involved in church, I share my love of Christ, I'm even a counselor at a Pro Life ministry where I get to share the gospel of Christ with each and every woman I see.  I teach my children to love and obey and even where I fall short through example more times than I like, I know God is bigger than me!  I know that He will answer my prayers, pleading with Him to cover me where I fall short.  Calling on a promise that His grace is bigger than any of my shortfalls as a Mom.  And then there's my husband.  We love each other, we love the Lord, and we're in a rough patch.

Did I really just admit that?  Is it OKAY to admit something like that?

So there we are, back to the secret.  Although I let my light shine, my life does bear the fruit of the Spirit, and God is working wonders in our family.....I'm still imperfect, hurting, disappointed, afraid, and unsure of so many things.  Things I can't tell many of the people around me right now.  Some things I know I'm not supposed to share with everyone.  Or anyone.  And on the other end, I know I am supposed to share in another place right now.  And I believe that place is here.  I think God has led me to this knowing I will find safety in the anonymity.  I blog for my family and friends, I share about God's love and his amazing grace in the transformation of our lives.  But there are things I can't share in that place.  So I'll begin by sharing here.  As for the future and where this may or may not go.....that's up to The Man in charge and I know He will reveal His plans in His perfect time.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11

Do I tell my husband?

OF COURSE.  And I think maybe only my husband for now.  Our family blog has become something he loves to read and follow, especially while he's away at work.  It's touched me to see that my words are important to him, not just the pictures.  I see the possibility for that to reconnect and heal some of the places in our hearts.  I don't keep secrets from my husband.  Never have, and won't start now.  Our marriage is founded on such strong principals, committed under the same, and full of a lot of good.  Which still leaves me afraid of the next question.

Can I really put all of my heart into this blog?

Wow!  Deep breath for that question.  You see, there's things I'm afraid to admit to the world.  Because I'm not perfect.  I let my kids down at times.  And right now, things aren't perfect in our marriage.  Love, commitment, and vows don't always make for an easy ride.  I just had major surgery, I'm not use to being down.  My body is trying to heal.  But in all honesty, so is my heart and my marriage.  So, what's okay to share and what's not?  He will be the only person in our daily lives that will know about this blog.  That opens up the floor to my honesty without the fear of judgement from everyone else in our lives.

But what about him?

I know this can help us heal too.  Maybe better help my husband understand me?  We don't mean to hurt  one another.  We both always have the best of intentions.  We have a strong marriage.  We love each other so very much.  And still, we fall short.  Still, we struggle.  Still, we can't understand each other's every thought and feeling.  And I believe we both are often left disappointed.

Those are my fears, those are my worries.  I know the right answers for all of the other questions.  But what about these?  It all comes back to the first one of them all today.....

Can I really do this?

And I know the answer.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.  Philippians 4:13
I don't have all of the details worked out.  But He does.  He's told me to meet Him in our secret place.  I will come.  He's told me to share.  I will share.  I will consider the fears, worries, and other questions about what to share as only an ineffective attempt by the enemy to interfere with one of God's glorious plans.  I don't know where this will lead.  But He does.  In the meantime.  I'm going to meet him there, trust, listen, obey......and just write.  The good Lord will take it from here.

Wherefore, seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.  Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. 
Hebrews 12:1-2
Yes, He knows exactly what He is doing in me.  In you.  In us all.  I too, can endure for the joy that is set before me.  Isn't that the least I can do in light of what was done for me?

Lord, please increase my faith in You and even more, in the work you are doing in and through little, unsure me.  Amen.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I'm really impressed by your heart! I will be praying for you as you embark on this journey. I saw you over in the 21DaysofPrayer4Sons Challenge - if you haven't connected with a group yet, I'd love to invite you to join ours!