I've always wanted to write a book. I've started a few times over the years and never get past an outline, a first chapter, or rarely even the idea for a subject. You see, I know I'm supposed to share. Is it my testimony? Oh I don't know if I should ever dare. I've imagined briefly the glory it would bring the Lord. I've entertained the thought long enough to see the doors of my heart creek open to the possibility. And then life takes over again. Little people I love dominate my days. A husband I want to please comes home from work. A house I dream to be clean and organized makes me sigh once again.
I know I'm not ordinary. That scripture, the one in Romans, it's talking about me. Let me share.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28I have a beautiful family. I am so blessed. I glow and I smile with a true, genuine love for our Lord and Savior! I've come far in my life. But underneath it all I'm still more human, imperfect, unorganized, frazzled, and afraid than most who know me would ever imagine. I am afraid of failure, I am daunted with a nagging low confidence, and many days I'm struggling just to hold on to the promises I know are true. That's the only difference between me and the ones we see whose problems are obvious at first site. I KNOW God's promises are true. I know all things are working together for good. But that doesn't mean I always know how to handle the day's burdens in the meantime.
I'm called to be His! I know this, He works on my heart day and night. I am called to be a wife. I love my husband, I honor my husband. And I must mention that at times my words and actions don't reflect my heart, but instead the things that I don't know how to share in other ways. I'm absolutely called to me a mother. Not just the kind of Mom that keeps the kids clean, on the summer ball team, and in the day's social circle. But a Mom whose biggest responsibility is making sure I prepare them for eternity, not popularity. That I surround their lives and hearts with God's love. That I take part in ensuring they grow up hungry to serve our Lord and to share His love with the world.
And underneath those wonderful, miraculous parts of who I am, I feel something even more. A seed that's was planted long ago. I'm not sure when. I'm not sure where. To be honest, I'm not even fully sure what. I just know it's been there for a long time, being nurtured and cared for by the good Lord Himself. It's a part of me, a part of my family, and a part of my story. These last few weeks, I think I might be seeing something new begin to sprout. Something that will bring glory to our Lord, added strength to my marriage and family, and healing to parts of me that most people don't know need healed. Fruition to a wondrous plan that God continues to unfold in me.
I talk too much. I share too much. I don't talk enough about things that need to be laid out, sorted through, and shared. With who? I'm not entirely sure, if anyone at all. I worry about what others think. I don't slow down as much as I should to just Be Still before our Lord. And those are the things that He's laid heavy on my heart these past weeks.
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10Not just the picture verse. You know, that one that everyone can quote even if they've never considered taking God seriously in their life. Not the picture verse so many know only because it's on so many pretty pictures, bookmarks, sticky note pads and such. I'm talking about the scripture, God's words, the words that I cling to at night to try to get my mind to slow down, my anxieties to cease, and the fear to run away. Be still. I hear the whispers of that scripture seeping into my heart. Calming me. Reminding me how far I've come each day from this simple truth.
And I'm reminded of something I've heard about. A SECRET PLACE. I've spent weeks pondering the idea of having a place in my heart and my mind where only He and I meet. God's place. God's time. His agenda, not mine. And I'm intrigued, I'm hungry for this. My eyes are open. My heart is ready. My family unknowingly needs this for me too. I can better be Mom.
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress; my God; in him will I trust. Psalm 91:1-2Ah yes, that's just it. A secret place. And a calling on my heart to share. So today I begin a new journey, a journey of sharing. Sharing without wondering what those in my life are thinking. A journey God is taking me down in secret, but telling me to trust Him and just write along the way.
I see the seed beginning to sprout. And although I still don't have the exact idea of what it is that's growing, I trust that He does. I found an idea just days ago, one of those ideas that kind of ties many things together. It was an idea to blog. To share. It was an idea that put words to the fire that's been stirring in my heart. A thing called blogging in an Upside Down Kingdom. It was then that the Secret Place He's been leading me to made perfect sense.
And so I begin.